Know any funny Chess Jokes? The winner will get a signed Polgar DVD (you can pick any of the Polgar DVD from 1-11. You can go to www.PolgarChess.com to see the full list of my DVDs.). The contest will end on Sunday, April 1 at 11:59 PM. And no, it is not an April Fool’s Day joke 🙂
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Chess Daily News from Susan Polgar
2 jokes :
1/
Two chess players are playing a correspondence game. White lives at the South Pole. Black lives at the North Pole. The postal service is rather slow and play proceeds at the rate of one move per year. After 15 years of play, white makes a daring queen sacrifice, the consequences of which are
by no means clear. A year later, as he sees the postman returning, he is very excited. He thinks “Will black take my queen ?”, “Is the sacrifice sound ?”. He tears open the reply and sees “Jadoube”.
2/
A man is walking on the beach. He sees another man playing chess with a dog. Impressed, he walks up to the man and says, “It’s amazing!”
“It’s not,” replies the man, “I’m leading 3-1.”
: At least i am the first to try lol, Tr0piiic.
Why can´t administrative officers win at chess?
Because they can´t stop to watch the clock.
Christophe
egoch@hotmail.com
Q: What did people call Maroczy in his later years?
A: An old Geza
James
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# comment 1
tr0piiic@hotmail.com
Another one :
A group of chess players were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?”, they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
Just in case, my email is thrajin@gmail.com
– James
Everyone is prepared to win the contest, providing the email address for delivery arrangements 🙂
Capablanca was waiting in a train station in New York one day, with his coffee, danish, newspaper and chess set, when a man approached him. Gesturing at the chess set, he asked if Capa cared for a game. Always delighted to play, Capablanca immeditely set up the board, then removed his queen from the board, to even up the game. Annoyed, the man blurted out, “Why did you do that? You don’t know me, I might beat you!” Unruffled, Capablanca replied, “Sir, if you could beat me, I would know you.”
Once Vishy was travelling and the flight got delayed. He was waiting in airport. He requested fellow traveller Mr. X to play chess against him. Mr. X recognised Vishy and said, “You are a grand master, I stand no chance against you” and refused. After a while Vishy requested Mr. X and said he will play in his left hand. Mr. X thought it is fair enough. The game ended very soon.
Impressed with the performance of Vishy, Mr. X told his friend Mr. Y, “Vishy plays very good game even with his left hand”. Mr. Y immediately yelled at him, “Don’t you know, Vishy is natural left hand player!!!”.
— P. Anandh
Q. What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker?
A. A chess player moves every now and then.
This isn’t mine, but I think it’s funny.
http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive/PBF014AD-Check_Shot.jpg
Knock-Knock.
Who’s there? Chess game.
Chess game who?
Chess game to say goodbye.
Can you buy an entire Chess set at a Pawn shop? ~ George Carlin
How many Grand Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
All of em!
One to change it.
The rest to analyze his moves for the next 100 years!
What do new chess players and newlyweds have in common?
They both enjoy studying new mating positions.
Q: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, an egotistical grandmaster, and a humble grandmaster are trapped in a lifeboat with provisions enough for just one person. Which one survives?
A: The egotistical grandmaster. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or a humble grandmaster.
I’m here all week, try the fish.
Boris Spassky, known to be a Don Juan, was asked one day if prefered women or chess.
“It depends on the position”, he said.
Spassky again, asked how is mariage was going:
“My wife and I are like opposite-coloured bishops!”
Not a joke exactly, more like situation comedy.
One night a friend and I were playing blitz and eating in an International House of Pancakes.
The waitress came up and asked “Is everything all right here?” I said “No, I’m down an exchange.”
I got the oddest look.
Another situational joke. Another blitz game, this time at a club. White had stuck a bishop at a2 where, if you were careless, it was easy to forget about. The whole a2-g8 diagonal was open.
Forgetting that his Bishop was there, I castled. Straight into check. IF my opponent had noticed, he could have claimed the game, but he didn’t either. Play continued for 3 or 4 moves like this. Finally, on my move, I noticed it, and played Kh8, saying “I’ve heard of Discovered Check, but this is ridiculous.”
Why did the grandmaster cross the road?
So he could go into the coffee shop with his laptop and analyze his current match with Fritz.
When I was young I always thought that a pawn shop was a chess players’ club!
Does this image I made last month count?
http://bp1.blogger.com/_CKuk9Kx9wM8/RdNsEKdQ9sI/AAAAAAAAAA0/KIPIETQzK94/s1600-h/kramnikcheats.jpg
Okay, here’s an actual joke-joke (i.e. not a personal experience). Not terribly funny, but kind of a groaner.
Guy walks into a game store and says “I want to return this chess set. It’s missing four pieces.” The clerk asks “Are they the castles?” The customer says “As a matter of fact, they are.” The clerk says “You’re the fourth guy that’s gotten rooked this month.”
“The most lovely hours in my life, i owe to chess “, admits Mrs. Miller to a friend.
“Really?” asks the friend surprised. “Do you often play chess, i didn’t even know!”
Mrs Miller replies: ” Oh no, not me, but my husband!”
clcagsfkTwo jokes;
Black says: You lose. too bad, you lose, no good moves. White says what about this move and and plays Queen to King’s Knight one and announces checkmate. Black says, no good, everyone knows queens don’t mate on night one.
second joke is a real life situation. I just lost a game to Al Lawrence and in talking to GM Dzindzihashvili (Sp) said: Gee I don’t know how I lost that game. I thought all my moves looked good. The GM looked at me and said: “Don, all your moves were good, sometimes they were good for you and sometimes they were good for your opponenet!”
Okay, back to situational jokes. This one doesn’t work all that well as a joke, as it’s not “punchy” enough, requires long explanations and the payoff at the end is really more of a grin than a laugh. It’s kind of one of trhose “You had to be there” things, but maybe it’s worth telling anyway.
I’ve never pre-arranged the outcome of a game. But I did once pre-arrange a move sequence in a game. My opponent was someone who today is one of the vilest chess trolls on Usenet (no, not Sloan). Back in those days he was sane, and somewhat comical. We both used Descriptive Notation, and before our game, we agreed that we would spend the first 10 moves reversing the positions of our Knights (i.e. putting the KN on b1 and the QN on g1).
I was Black, and the first 10 moves were something like this:
1. Nf3 Nf6 2. Nc3 Nc6 3. Ng5 Ng4 4. Nge4 Nge5 5. Nb5 Nb4 6. Nd4 Nd5 7. Nc3 Nc6 8. Nf3 Nf6 9. Ng1 Ng8 10. Nb1 Nb8
From this point, a real game commenced, but we used Descriptive Notation, and kept track of which Knights were which, and wrote the moves accordingly (For example, if the first “real” move had been 11. Nf3, it would have been written as 11. QN-B3, which looks and feels totally wrong, but is actually correct.
So a few moves into the game, his KN was still at b1, QN at f3, Queen at d1, and my Bishop was at g4 (e2 square empty). Before playing his next move, he wrote it down on his scoresheet: KN-Q2 (which in algebraic would be Nbd2, but it looks like it should be Nfd2??. He still hadn’t actually played the move, just written it down, so I wrote his move down on my scoresheet, and then, in a way that he could see it, wrote my “reply”, BxQ (i.e. Bxd1, which is a legal reply to Nfd2, but not to Nbd2, which, despite appearances, was what his move was actually going to be).
Okay, not terribly funny. Vaguely cute at best (if you like bookkeeping jokes). But funny if you were there and knew what was going on. We both laughed, at least.
We thought it was a harmless prank then, but it occurred to me afterwards that we really shouldn’t have done it because we’d fudged the time controls. (Instead of playing 30 moves in 60 minutes, we were really only playing 20).
@graeme … according to FIDE rules your opponent – and you, too – could have claimed a win – because no player is allowed to write down moves, which have not been accomplished on the board yet!
so – the funny thing is, that the game ended – RATED, isn’t it?
LoL
Did you hear about the two flashers playing chess in the park? They were arrested for carrying on a simultaneous exhibition.
Sam in Lubbock
gasman5@cox.net
In those days you were allowed to write down a move before playing it. They’ve cracked down on that in the last few years, but things were looser then. This was like 20 years ago.
Star Trek provided a lot of situational humor then too, that doesn’t translate well into “jokes” as such. For instance, in one episode, Spock (who never used a single syllable word if a longer one was available), incorrectly used the word “stalemate”, as though it were synonymous with “draw”. So, when playing one of the other known-goofy players at our club, I could say “I offer you a stalemate”, instead of “I offer you a draw”, and he’d know what I meant.
Another humor mine was calling out moves in Star Trek Chess Notation, which, essentially was nothing but Descriptive Notation, with the word “Level” added (i.e. Pawn to King’s Level Four, Rook to Queen’s Level Three, et cetera). This was often funny, but only after 11 p.m.
Another friend and I also had a Ricardo Montalban schtick that we sometimes used to break the other one up in blitz games, which was based on the Khan character in Space Seed. Basically, the schtick involved replying to the most obvious and uninteresting move imaginable, by pretending to study the position deeply for a few seconds, then wagging an index finger authoritatively, and saying “Ex-cellent!” as though the move were the greatest thing since sliced bread. If you know the Khan character, this is funny. Otherwise it’s meaningless. We got both laughs and vacant stares alike, from people who saw us do this.
Okay, away from the stories, an actual joke this time. (Or more precisely, a riddle).
Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and a chessplayer?
A: A chessplayer mates, then chats.
Q: What’s the difference between the Pettroff’s Defense, and the Latvian Gambit?
A: About half a point.
graemecree@aol.com
A chess master died – after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!
“What’s it like, where you are now,” he asked.
“What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, it’s really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they’re all here, and you can play them.”
“Fantastic!” the friend said, “and what is the bad news?”
“You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday.”
Back when the West was wild, a chessplayer from back East decided to visit Texas. “Don’t go,” his friends implored him. “It’s rough out West, and they don’t like chessplayers in Texas.”
A few weeks later, the chessplayer was on a train traveling through the heart of Texas when three masked men stopped and boarded the train. “Is there a chessplayer on this he’ar train,” they hollered, running up and down the aisles and shooting their guns in the air.
Remembering what his friends back East had told him, the chessplayer hid behind his newspaper, his knees shaking.
Finally, one of the masked gunmen stopped in front of him. The masked man pulled down the newspaper with the barrel of his gun and snarled, “Do you play chess?”
“Yes,” the chessplayer replied in a quavering voice.
“Good,” boomed the the gunman, “Let’s go. We need a fourth for bughouse.”
–Tex
Considering this is heaven, I thought the bad news was going to be that Fischer wasn’t there.
Q: What’s the difference between Kramnik and a wellhouse pump?
A: They could both draw water.
Damnit, the joke was supposed to read:
Q: What do Kramnik and a wellhouse pump have in common?
A: They could both draw water.
Speaking of heaven and hell jokes, this is an old Alekhine joke, but he’s in no position to sue if I steal it from him.
Alekhine dies and approaches the pearly gates, but is denied admittance on the grounds that they don’t allow chess masters inside. He looks through the gates and sees Efim Bogolubov inside, and tries to object. “Hey, I thought you said you didn’t allow chess masters in there.” St. Peter replies “Oh, he’s not a chess master, he just thinks he is.”
graemecree@aol.com
Husband comes home late.
She: Where have you been?
He: I’ve been playing chess.
She: And why do you smell of vodka?
He: Am I supposed to smell of chess?
And the winner is : anonymous or maybe nobody.
Why are the chess pieces often red-white in USA? Because it is politically incorrect to use black pieces since there are black people who will complain.
Chuck Norris doesn’t play chess anymore. He found checkmating opponents in 1 move to be boring.
Chuck Norris once played the entire world in a simultaneous exhibition while blindfolded. Not only was he undefeated, but he managed to end terrorism and stop world hunger in between moves.
“”Considering this is heaven, I thought the bad news was going to be that Fischer wasn’t there.””
He’s still alive 🙂
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov – problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him an hour to pass the salt!
Damnit, the joke was supposed to read:
~~~~~~
“D’oh! Look, the point is I hate Kramnik, for one reason or another. Does it matter?
If we’re counting unintentional humor, this guy may have won it.
6 year old Super GM new World Champion
After Kramnik’s move to the jungles of South America, where he has effectively held the crown hostage for ten years, a new challenger has emerged. This 6 year old super GM (Jason) is clearly the strongest in history. His 1st spoken words were “I believe the 3.Nc6 variation is winning.” He attended open tournaments at the age of 3, winning all of them. There he
brought the TMNT figurine Raphael with him, saying that it inspired his play and “Raphael is an e4 player, ya know?”. Super GMs
were baffled at their losses, saying that their opponent was “clearly using psychological methods to gain the upper hand,
and probably using computers.” When asked his favorite player, Jason responded “Well I’d say Bobby Fisher because he made accurate moves from time to time, although his play is sloppy on the whole.” The chess world was very interested
in his upcoming match verses Kramnik. Game 1 became a typical scenario for the rest of the match, where Kramnik was completely
shut out. After going into a ten move sicilian variation Jason reached out his hand, not for a draw, but to enable his opponent to forfeit. His exact words were “Mate in 62, or less of course.” Jason’s explaination of how the variation of the sicilian was winning fell on deaf and frusterated ears as Kramnik decided to play it out, losing in 24 moves. After calling mate after mate Kramnik threw the match. Perhaps calling match in 6 would of been more appropriate.
The next one is takin from monty pythons dead parrot sketch, but I decided to give it a chess twist. (obviously it won’t be nearly as good lol)
A conversation between two chess players, just as John has checkmated Matt.
John: Right then, good game.
Matt: What do you mean good game?
John: Well you are checkmated.
Matt: No I’m not.
John: How do you figure that, I moved my queen and your mated.
Matt: I’m not mated. I can move anywhere I want!
John: You can’t bloody well move wherever you want, your mated.
Matt: Well see, I can move this pawn over here.
John: Look, movin that pawn doesn’t change anythin, its still checkmate.
Matt: How can you just deny my pawn like that. I can move it here with the greatest of ease. Look! *Matt moves the pawn*
John: It doesn’t matter that you can physically move the pawn, its a matter of the rules of the game. I cover all the squares of your king, while your in check, its called checkmate and ends the game.
Matt: Oh, your sayin I have to move my king like. Well then how about this? *Matt moves his king illegally*
John: No I’m sayin you can’t move you king.
Matt: *Matt takes a pawn next to his king off the board, then moves his king there*
Matt: Ah see, an escape route! I bet ya didn’t see that!
John: What?!!? You can’t just remove pawns from the board like that.
Matt: What pawns?
John: The one you removed!
Matt: Ah I didn’t remove nothin. I found an escape route. See that square? Its not in check, now is it?
John: Your saying you didn’t remove a pawn? Bloody hell!
Matt: I’m sayin ya miscalculated.
John: All the illegal moves in the world wont help you!
Matt: Yes but your miscalculation will.
John: *John moves his pieces so that Matt is now mated again*
John: Good game.
Matt: Right then, good game.
– Geoff H.
What’s the difference between a professional chess player and a large cheese pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Email: JonHecht89@gmail.com
Q – Which group of women are the best chess players?
A – Feminists. Their opponents begin with King and Queen, but *they* always start with 2 Queens.
Q. Which chess piece is the most powerful?
A. The Knight, It goes hippitty hop 🙂
Frasier: I can see why she likes the game – “the king is stationary, the queen has all the power”.
In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say:
“What a clever dog!”
But the man protests:
“No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading by three games to one!”
I was talking to a Belgian friend and he decided to test me on review opening names with me `Bc4 Italian. Bb5 Spanish. Ba6 Belgian!` So I say to him “Ba6?!?!! Doesn’t that just hang a piece?”
He responded curtly “Now you know why we don’t have any top players.”
I once witnessed a wild blitz-game between very strong amateurs. Their board was surrounded by many people watching. Suddenly the player with the black pieces grabbed a protected knight on f4 (protected by a pawn on e3) with his king on f5. His opponent protested: You can’t take that piece!! He got the answer: I surely can take the piece!! Because you can’t take my king back. Otherwise your king on e2 would be in check, from my rook on e8!! It took some time until the player with the black pieces understood his mistake and gave in.
Sheesh, all that half the people here are doing is Googling “Chess Jokes” and cut and pasting what they find. I hope the winner will be someone who showed some originality.
“After Kramnik’s move to the jungles of South America, where he has effectively held the crown hostage for ten years,”
Yawn. Another candidate for the Unintentional Humor prize. But even obsessive single-mindedness gets old after a while.
I’d like to see a bit based on the old “Niagara Falls” vaudeville sketch (Susquehana Hat Company in Abbott & Costello lore), where some guy on the street is talking to one of the crazies, who gets triggered the same way, when he hears the words “Vladmir Kramnik” (instead of Niagara Falls).
“Vladimir Kramnik!!!! Sloooowly I turn! Step by step, inch by inch…” If Susan ever does a goofy home videos contest, I may try to write that one up.
Not mine, but here’s another chess-themed comic.
http://www.xkcd.com/c232.html
The alt-text makes it better: “You know that ‘sweep the pieces off the board and see it in your mind’ thing? Doesn’t work.”
Q. How do you get a grandmaster off of your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
Email: Jonhecht89@gmail.com
I found this one a while back and just remembered about it. I HAD to post it, source: correspondencechess.com
Top 10 Ways to Psyche Out Your Postal Opponent:
Number 10. Send all of your moves in Russian algebraic notation.
Number 9. Use a computer to print diagrams and the current moves on the cards.
Number 8. Tell them that David Bronstein is staying at your house.
Number 7. Send them an advertisement for your new book on the opening you are currently playing.
Number 6. Let them know that you’ve played this position 124 times before, winning 82.6% of the games.
Number 5. Annotate all of their moves with “!?”
Number 4. Mention long lost opening and endgame monographs.
Number 3. Use old dark commemorative stamps that always obscure your postmarks.
Number 2. Tell them that you are engaged to Judit Polgar.
And, the number one way to psyche out your postal opponent:
Number 1. Make sure that every card arrives with postage due.
Here are a few situational ones that were posted on a chess forum. Some happened to me, and were my own posts, some happened to others. Regardless they will all be in the first person. The first two are me, as well as some others throughout.
I am starting my game, whip out a few moves quickly with my opponent, and the person who was supposed to sit next to me finally sits down. He looks about 15, and his opponent looks about 8. Quickly the 15 year-old plays 1. h4 and his opponent resigns. Apparently the opponent thought it was a forced win for white after 1. h4
Just under a year ago, at Northern Cal State Champ K-12, I signed up too late and got a first round bye (0 point!). As a result I spent the entire first round just chatting with IM DeGuzman who was waiting for the round to end to analyze games for free with people. He asked if I wanted to show him any games, so I tried to remember some, etc. Anyway, so after a couple hours the K-3 (I think that is what it was) section ends, and a mother comes out and walks up to us and asks DeGuzman “You’re a good player, right?” “Uh… yeah” “So you know all the rules on how the pieces move?” “Me and DeGuzman and his brother look at each other trying to contain laughter. “Yeah” “Alright, so is this a real move? My son’s opponent played it against him and called it trebuchet” So she takes out a board and plays 1. e4 e5 then here comes the shocker, she switches the place of the two pawns! Apparently it stuck and the game played out that way.
In a team tournament once, one of the matches came down to the struggle on the lowest board. Neither player seemed to notice that one of them had a rook en prise for what seemed like forever. A crowd gathered to watch, chuckling and groaning at each successive move. Still, the rook hung. Finally, the first board player for that team, muttered something in disgust, strolled up to the board and, when neither player was looking, swiped the rook and stuck it in his coat pocket. Neither player noticed, but from across the room, a hotel detective did. The detective must have thought that something of value was taken. As soon as Mr.-First-Board left the hotel, the detective gave chase, tackling the player into some bushes before the whole thing could get sorted out.
Centuries ago, when I was about 14 or 15, I was playing in a junior tournament. In one of my games against a much higher rated opponent, I eventually offered my opponent a draw in what I thought was an even position. Naturally he refused. Well it turns out that several moves later, i unleashed a “brilliant” rook sacrifice which he countered incorrectly and pretty soon I was in a winning position. Well, my opponent now turns to me and says “I accept the draw now”
It didn’t happen to me, but I can’t help but repeat the famous story about the 1942 US Championship. In a critical game, Reshevsky lost on time to Denker in a mad time scramble. In making the forfeit call, the TD apparently flipped the clock around. He forfeited Denker instead of Reshevsky! No harm done, you might think, but even after the mistake was pointed out, the TD refused to reverse himself and Reshevsky kept the point.
A grandmaster was watching a small boy furiously analyze the Marshall Gambit before the first round of a major tournament.
“You know”, said the grandmaster, “I believe that the line you are studying is extremely complicated and may even be unsound!”
The seven year old boy replied, “Oh yeah? Well when I get to heaven I’m going to ask Frank Marshall what he thinks about that!”
The grandmaster replied, “Yes, but what if Mr. Marshall is in hell?”
Without missing a beat the boy answered, “Then you ask him!”
Q: What is a baseball player’s favorite chess piece?
A: A rookie.
Omg April Fool ! no winner.
:-(((((
“i unleashed a “brilliant” rook sacrifice which he countered incorrectly and pretty soon I was in a winning position. Well, my opponent now turns to me and says “I accept the draw now” “
That reminds me of a friend who, when playing offhand games with much lower-rated opponents, who refused to resign dead lost positions, would sometimes say “I offer to accept your resignation.”
what so you get with a bishop and a night??
A:A bishop’s knight time!!!