A friend made a suggestion to have a post about chess jokes (good or bad but clean!). If you know of any, please feel free to post it for everyone to enjoy. It would be interesting to hear chess jokes from all over the world.
Just to make it interesting, the one who posts the funniest chess joke will get a prize!
Chess Daily News from Susan Polgar
Q:Why should you never buy a house from a chess player? A:Because they take ages to move! 😀
During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several
chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, “I could beat Karpov with no
problem”. “Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time.” “That’s nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!”
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the
hotel.
But why?” a bystander asked.
“Because,” the manager replied “I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!”
In a park people come across a man playing chess against his dog. They are astonished and say:
“What a smart dog you have!”
But the man protests:
“No, no, he isn’t that smart. I’m leading by three games to one!”
My computer beat me at chess.
Unfortunately my computer is not as good at kickboxing.
I think my computer will have to forfeit the tiebreak round.
“I’ve created a chess program that mimics human play” said the computer science major.
“So it plays at GM level then?” asks the advising professor.
“No, but it does blame its loss on outside conditions!”
Susan
great idea. Pretty good jokes so far.
I dont really know any chess jokes. but I remember years ago a Russian friend of mine had been a prisoner in a Russian gulag back in 1972. He said all the prisoners were listening to the world championship match every day over a radio. One day when the match was all tied up the guards discovered the radio and took it from the prisoners so they could listen.
well after about 2 weeks of not knowing what had happened in the Fischer Spassky match, a new prisoner arrived. Everyone immediately asked him what happened in the World Chess Championship Match and he said. ” I lost.”
Tommy
Of course this joke is best told on the correct day. not every day is this so funny.
Question: What do you call a chess player that keeps blundering pawns?
Answer: A Classic Patzer.
Question: What do you call a chess player that keeps blundering pieces?
Answer: A Classical World Champion.
What is the difference between a large cheese pizza and a chess Grandmaster.
the pizza can feed a family of four.
I remember playing a game at Au Bon Pain a coffee shop in Harvard Square. they have outdoor chess tables there.
Anyway a couple of summers ago, I was sitting at a table and this guy sits down to play a game with me. we set up the clock for the usual 5 minute game. we decided to play for a cup of coffee. loser buys coffee and pastry for the winner.
I tend to be a little slow sometimes in 5 minute games, and this guy was pretty good. I got into a bad spot. he had me in a checkmate in 3.
then all of sudden a funeral procession moves through Harvard Square right past Au Bon Pain and our game. this guy stands up and watches the funeral procession with his clock running. I was going to stop the clock but then I was in a lost position.
well I could not believe it but he just stood there while the funeral procession passed by. and his flag fell and he lost the game.
when he said down I asked him why he did not play the mate in 3.
He said well it was the least he could do for his wife since they had been married for 15 years.
A few years ago I went to the World Open Chess Tournament with a doctor friend of mine. we shared a room and played in the tournament.
After each round we would go to the bar to analyze our games. He would always order a hazelnut daiquiri. Afer a few days we became friendly with the bartender. so when we arrived he always had the doc’s hazelnut daiquiri ready when we arrived.
After the 8th round the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavoring and thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
well when we finished the 8th round we went to analyze our games. When we arrived the doc took one sip of his drink and said “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
“No, I’m sorry”, replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
.”Wadda ya mean the lighting’s not okay in the corner – I loaned you a flashlight didn’t I?”
Q: Where do you buy chess supplies?
A: At a pawn shop!
Two chess players are playing a correspondence game. White lives at the South Pole. Black lives at the North Pole. The postal service is rather slow and play proceeds at the rate of one move per year. After 15 years of play, white makes a daring queen sacrifice, the consequences of which are by no means clear. A year later, as he sees the postman returning, he is very excited. He thinks “Will black take my queen ?”, “Is the sacrifice sound ?”. He tears open the reply and sees “Jadoube”.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research… You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can’t be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it’s just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn’t been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : ‘Bulb defective.’ A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one …if he or she first took a “brainspeed pill”
there was a discussion about a new world simul record, at 1004 games, set by the Chinese player Ye Jiangchun. Ye won 912 games, lost 16, and drew 76. When one poster assumed Ye was a woman, Irina Krush replied:
ye be he
This was sent to soc.culture.china by an anonymous poster:
> GO (A Chinese and Japanese board game) is a lousy game. It is boring and
> exhausting. All pieces (stones) are identical, showing oriental culture
> does not tolerate individuality. The result is either win or lose and
> there is no draw, indicating oriental culture does not advocate compromise.
> No physical representation is assigned to any piece, implying oriental people
> have no personality.
> Yeh, there is a Chinese chess. But that was brought from India and Chinese
> made some changes into it. A pawn can not be promoted and Queen is missing
> from action. Chinese do not respect small-time nobody and discriminate against
> women. They count cannon in as a chessman because they love more violence.
> They replace bishop with prime minister because they believe in power than
> free thinking. Finally they create two guards for their general or marshall
> since they are more scared and they are real “paper tigers”.
> (There is no King in Chinese chess, the purpose of the game is to catch
> the general or the marshall)
and here is my reply:
> Chess, an Occidental bored;-) game is a lousy game. It’s too simple
> and doesn’t need to much brain. Different pieces are given different
> power and ability, showing the Anglo passion for class. Unlike the Go,
> as the game progresses, pieces are killed and less pieces are left
> than the opening of the game, implying the Occidental culture’s
> preference for destruction. Whereas in Go, more pieces exist than the
> opening, and all pieces eventually coexist in an integrated way,
> showing that Oriental culture prefers peace and harmony. Besides, the
> black square bishop can not move into white squares indicating the
> Occidentals have always been promoting aparthied. However, there is
> something good about Chess, the king has to depend on his wife for
> strength, a justification for the Americans’ choice of Bill Clinton
> as their president.
j’adoube
j’a·doube [ a db, aa db ]
interjection
Definitions:
chess player’s warning: an expression used by a chess player who is about to adjust a piece on the board, to ensure that this will not be counted as an official move
Once during an international tournament, in which the most illustrious players in the world were participating, a strange looking fellow introduced himself to the great Cuban, who was no doubt expecting another plea for an autograph, and told him that he had solved chess. You can imagine the look on Capablanca’s face who immediately began to turn away just in case the man wasn’t just crazy, but violent as well. Still, the strange insistent man then pulled a thousand dollars from his pocket and told Capablanca it would be his if he could avoid being mated in twelve moves. Well, crazy or not, a thousand dollars is a thousand dollars, so he accepted and obligingly followed the man to his room.
The game started simply enough, but after a couple of strange moves, as soon as move eight, the position began to look menacing, and to his absolute shock, Capablanca saw his King being mated on the twelfth move. His eyes were bulging, he couldn’t believe it, and he insisted that they start over. This time he tried a completely different opening, one that could never lead to that same position, but just as before, after a few strange moves, with no possible counter, he found himself checkmated again. Something was wrong, he must have made some very obvious mistake, but he couldn’t see where, so he told the fellow to wait, and 20 minutes later he came back with both Lasker, and Alekhine. Lasker seemed dubious about the whole idea before the game began, and played a slow and very defensive opening, yet twelve moves later, in front of an equally incredulous Alekhine, he too saw his King surrounded.
“It was terrible, and embarrassing”, Capablanca told his friend, but no matter what opening they tried, no matter what they did, they were always checkmated after twelve moves. What were they going to do? They were the best in the world and yet now it was all over: chess had been solved.
“But I never heard that chess was solved. What did you do? What happened?” his friend asked.
“Why we killed him, of course.”
Q. What is the difference between a chess player and a couple on a blind date?
A. The chess player mates then chats……
nice one dcp23.. LOL :))
My best friend for many years was Bob Sawyer, he was the one who really taught me chess. He was a wonderful person.
Bob lived for the mail. Every day at lunch time, he would leave his office, cross the street to the Post Office, and open box 275 in search of postcards. For years, he played chess through the mail, and every day, he received at least two cards, sometimes as many as ten.
During his lunch hour… always at the same small cafe… he’d order soup and a sandwich and take out a small, heavily worn leather pocket chess set. While eating, he’d set up each game in turn. In between bites of the sandwich and spoonfuls of soup, he’d review the position and the new move, and mull about the analysis he would undertake that evening. Life was good.
Bob was aware that many of his opponents were far more serious about the game. He was quite content to play mostly for the fun of it. At the end of the work day, after a quick meal, he’d set up the position, stare at the board for a few minutes, and perhaps move the pieces around a bit. Occasionally, he’d consult one of the ten or so chess books on his bookshelf. After ten minutes or so, and never more than hour, he’d fill out his reply and file away his opponents cards, one by one.
He most enjoyed the short conversations on each card, wherever they might lead. Winning was fun, but friendship was more important. Literature, sports, the weather… whatever. He remembered many games more for the lively talk than the moves or the result.
Spring brings changes. For Bob it meant some new sections and, for the first time, an entry in the Golden Queens, a preliminary section with six opponents. He knew that the players who entered these sections were more serious about winning, but at least that would mean that they’d be more likely to reply on time. There was just nothing worse than an interesting discussion interrupted by a tardy opponent.
In the three new games with white, Bob sent off his standard first card. In addition to his usual 1.P-K4, he introduced himself:
“Greetings and a pleasure to meet you via postal chess. My name is Bob Sawyer. I’m 44, a bank clerk here for the past twelve years. Unmarried, but very fond of good talk. Any special interests?”
Three days later, he received his first card from the section, from a George Martin. Bob was somewhat disappointed to see nothing on the card but the move, and at that in the rather unfeeling algebraic notation that Bob tried hard to avoid. Still, he did find the move somewhat intriguing: 1.b4. Throughout the years, nearly all of his opponents had opened by moving the pawn in front of either the king or queen, and only rarely P-QB4 or N-KB3.
He’d never had to play against P-QN4, and he really had no idea what to do. He thought about it all through his soup and sandwich, and even at work for more than hour.
By the time he got home and finished his supper, Bob felt unusually tired. He took a few minutes to look quickly through his chess books, but there was simply nothing there on this strange first move. He thought about filling out a reply, almost any reply, and he might well have done so had there been an interesting conversation to start. But since his laconic opponent had offered nothing but the move, Bob decided to sleep on it.
It was a most wonderful dream. A comfortable chair, soft lighting, surrounded by many hundreds, perhaps even thousands of books. Rows and rows of books. And a book in his hand… a chess book. There was the title, at the top of every page: 1.P-QN4? The book, opened to the first page… with a diagram and the key move 1…N-KB3! in bold type.
Bob woke with a smile. If only the dream had been real. How wonderful to have a library with just the right book. He started his morning routine, a quick shower, cereal, coffee. But he kept returning to the dream. Amusing, he thought. It was just a dream, but N-KB3 seems like just the right idea. At the breakfast table, he filled out the reply, including his usual introductory comments, and headed off to work.
All morning long, Bob felt consumed by the dream. He rarely ever remembered his dreams, let alone one so vivid and appropriate to real life. And the room, the library, had been so satisfying, so comforting. So many beautiful, old books.
Lunch time arrived more quickly than usual. He collected three cards at the Post Office and headed off to the cafe. Two new opponents, both playing 1.P-Q4, and an older game against Taylor that was now reaching a critical juncture. In between soup and the sandwich, Bob set up the position on his pocket set. Bob tried a few different moves for white and then shook his ahead. “precisely the kind of position I mess up,” he thought to himself. “Looks like I need to play 34.Q-R4.”
And there he might have stopped, filled out the card and mailed it. But he thought yet again about his dream and, on instinct, he decided to wait a day and sleep on it.
He felt unusually tired again that evening and, immediately after dinner, lay down on the sofa. Within minutes, he was sound asleep.
Again, he found himself in the darkly paneled chess library. In front of him, a polished ivory chess set on an inlaid board. Across the room were two older gentleman. They were speaking in another language. Russian perhaps. In his hand this time was a new book with the title: My Game with Taylor. He opened the book to the middle and there he immediately saw : “34.QxKB6!! wins by force.”
Bob awoke with a start, immediately set up the board and, sure enough, 34.QxKB6 was simply breathtaking. A marvelous queen sacrifice that led to checkmate in every line.
And so it went. Day after day, year by year. One sockdollager after another, all from his dreams. Sometimes he’d have a book in his hand. Other times, the two visitors in his dream would analyze the position for him and recommend a move.
It was now ten years since the dreams had started, and Bob had perfected the routine. He’d take each card in turn, stare at the position for just a few minutes. Soon, even a catnap was enough to conjure up the dream and the right move. Today, he received the cards from one remaining opponent in the US championship, and even Bob knew that the game was well in hand. Only a few more moves and Bob Sawyer, the bank clerk patzer, would reign as the US champion. With confidence, he stared at the position for a few moments and went to sleep.
The same comfortable chair, soft lighting, and thousands upon thousands of books. And a book in his hand… a chess book with a picture of Bob on the cover. There was the title: The Collected Games of Bob Sawyer. He opened the book to the last page… “Sawyer was perhaps the most creative correspondence player in American history, Sawyer was known not only as a fine player, unbeaten in his final ten years of play, but also as a steadfast correspondent, never passing up an opportunity to discuss the weather, sports, or any other subject of the day. The great unfulfilled tragedy of his life was that, at the very moment of his greatest success, victory in the US championship, he died in his sleep.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Nine.
One to complain about the lighting levels,
one to say he thinks the lighting is OK,
one to suggest someone calls the arbiter,
one to go and call the arbiter,
one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings,
one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing,
both arbiters, and
one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.
Well lets not get rediculous.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research… You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can’t be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it’s just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn’t been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : ‘Bulb defective.’ A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.
Are limericks allowed?
There once was a GM named Susan.
She played Olympiad games without losin.
She won many games,
and gained so much fame
That in a few weeks she’ll be cruisin
Sophia plays chess in a unique way.
Winning most of her games each day.
Her husband beat her at blitz,
How did he do it? Ask Fritz.
and said “The winner pays for dinner OK”?
There once was a Polgar named Judit.
She was great and we always knew it.
She made top 10 in the world,
and showed lots of girls,
Shes a girl with a brain and can use it.
There once was a Polgar named Laszlo.
A long beard he decided to grow.
It grew 8 feet long,
becase he told Paul Truong,
He’d shave when the sisters stopped raising their ELO.
limerick was awesome
Thanks Vinay. I hope it was humorous and those mentioned don’t mind being in a limerick.
That said I’ve got another:
There once was a man named ELO.
My rating his formula would show.
He took one look at me,
and said draw_in_three,
Your performance rating is zero. 🙂
Tommy,
I like very much the Bob Sawyer’ story (mostly the reference about Beatles – am I right?), and the other jokes you posted.
I like the comments in your blog: The Secret of God.
Great job!
Happy Christmas from Brazil!
masegui
My 3rd garder was learning Native Americans and the Pioneers in last 2 months. At the end, the class held a “Pioneer Day” filled with activities to celebrate. One of the activities is square dance. Before they started, his partner’s parents said to me “Your son must be good at square dance, because he plays chess very well”.
Two chessplayers and friends for life also share their interest for spiritism. So, one day the make an agreement: Whoever dies first will contact the other from the beyond. After many more games of chess finally the day has come that one of two chessplayers dies.
A couple of weeks later his friend visits a medium. During the séance, suddenly, a known voice is heard:
-“It is me – from heaven.”
-“Oh, wonderful”, his friend replies. “How is it up there?”
-“Everything is so bright and everybody is peaceful.”
-“Do you play chess in heaven?”
-“Well”, he answers, “that is the reason I got in contact with you.
Yes, we are playing chess — but you are playing Capablanca next Sunday.”
Wow someone read my blog. haha. I am so pleased. this is a wonderful christmas present.
Masegui said…
Tommy,
I like very much the Bob Sawyer’ story (mostly the reference about Beatles – am I right?), and the other jokes you posted.
I like the comments in your blog: The Secret of God.
Great job!
Happy Christmas from Brazil!
masegui
5:01 PM
I have not been writing in the blog because i felt no one would ever read anything. but now I am inspired and wrote a little on Christmas. it needs more.
Peace and Merry Christmas to All
Tommy
Tim Krabbe once remorsefully wrote about a youthful sin, he committed, a long time ago, in the Amsterdam club competition. He started with 1. Na3 and then took back the move with 2. Nb1. “Why did you do that?”, his teammate Ko Heins wondered. “I did not like the position of the knight on a3”, Tim replied.
Later he realised it is better to be noticed by strong moves than by insipid jokes, which are intended to express contempt for the opponent.
whens the best time to play chess?? KNIGHT TIME!
Frasier: I can see why she likes the game – “the king is stationary, the queen has all the power”.
What’s a cat’s favourite opening against the Kings Indian?
A: The 4 paws attack