We don’t want our female players getting unhealthy ideas
Monday May 1, 2017
By Alwyn Lau
Alwyn Lau
MAY 1 ― I read with approval the withdrawal of a teenage chess player from a tournament she was playing in, on account of the distress caused by the organisers’ complaint about the dress she was wearing. It’s about time.
The tournament arbiter did it to protect Malaysia’s reputation as a pristine-clean country with zero social problems; heaven forbid we let young people ruin our gold standard with painted-on attire.
Our country’s standards for public decency simply must be upheld at all costs. And if this means a girl has to change her dress on pain of being disqualified, so be it.
Look, I’ve played in chess tournaments before and God knows I’ve wanted to issue bans myself.
I wanted to ban every person wearing light-coloured shirts because if you wear that I can see through your shirt and a) if you’re a woman, I can see your bra and b) if you’re a guy I can catch a glimpse of your big-a** nipple ― and that totally and unacceptably arouses my latent gay feelings, causing me to miss critical bishop forks and knight skewers in the game.
Isn’t it obvious that such an irresponsible fashion sense will mess up every defence except the French, because that opening is only for horny people?
I also want to ban people wearing glasses. Why? Because when I can’t see your eyes with 100 per cent clarity, it fans my desire to look into your eyes even more and, dammit, all this sexy eye-contact drives my libido crazy and that screws up my Queen’s Gambit.
I think chairs and chess-clocks should be banned too but one reminds me of people having sex whilst sitting down and another goes tick-tock like an erotic time bomb.
Let the players embody national purity by standing up; make sure they all wear watches.
I once wanted to ban a 70-year-old arbiter because she leaned in too closely to me when she was collecting our match-slips.
I could smell her perfume (or was it her BO?) and I almost had to have her because who in the non-celibate universe, after playing north of 40 moves from opening to endgame, can resist the smell of Woman Fetching Paper?
So, yes, I totally understand how that particular chess arbiter was feeling. It’s a triple R-rated orgiastic frenzy in a chess hall and, oh boy, strong measures must be taken.
All you non-chess players ― you don’t know anything. You’re glib to the fact that every game of chess is a fiery semi-orgasmic lust-crazed tryst simply waiting to erupt into an orgy.
Bishops screwing each other, horse-like creatures being ridden rough and hard by soldiers, kings and queens eating each other outside stone towers.
All you desensitised liberal folks, complaining about “angles” and perverts, what do you know?
Have you ever been in a chess tournament? Have you seen the faces of the top players? Go take a look: You won’t be able to tell if they’re thinking of the Sicilian Defense or “Sally Does Sicily.”
So, absolutely, I call for every chess tournament in Malaysia to have a strict dress code. All black, everything covered, head to toe, no make-up, no hair-combing and no one should be allowed to smile, too.
We’re trying to engage in mental battle here, not perform seductive rituals.
No fragrances because if I can see if you’re a man or woman, why the hell do I need smell for verification? Also, no squeaky noises from the under-8 and under-10 players which people may mistake for pleasurable moans.
If players so much as cough or sneeze they should forfeit the game. We should likewise immediately disqualify and penalise the first person who insults the game and the competition by that diabolic act known as humming ― don’t we realise that the human voice is for clear and sensible speech alone, not for time-wasting soul-corrupting activities like singing and other deceptions of the Devil?
Every chess game should begin with either a prayer to guard against temptation or a recital of a moral code.
Failing that, maybe every tourney organiser should include sex-appeal proof uniforms to be sold or rented if some players missed the memo.
All the pieces should also be recast into less suggestive figures, with nothing “standing up.” The rook should be renovated into a tiny cottage, the bishop castrated, and the knight? Show him lying down and eating grass or something.
Heck, we should consider revisiting the rules: Maybe the Queen shouldn’t be allowed to move so freely and having more power than soldiers, fortresses and religious leaders. God knows we don’t want our female players getting unhealthy ideas.
Tags: , ,