Two days ago, I made a post about my teaching philosophy to my children and students. I strongly encourage them to play every game until the end. At a young age, they should not be afraid to lose. They have to learn how to handle adversity, pressure and their own emotions. Before they can win, they have to learn not to have the fear of losing.
This was my exact quote:
“Since my children started to play chess, I have taught my children to play until the end. I do not accept and allow quick draws. I am also perfectly fine if my children give their best and lose. They would get an A+ in my book for their efforts.”
In addition, I also stated:
“And if they give their best and lost, you as parents / coaches CANNOT get mad at them. Otherwise, the children will get scared mentally and psychologically and they will be afraid to go for the win in the future.”
Since that post, I received a bunch of emails from parents and coaches asking me if my own children have suffered crushing defeats in big events.
The answer is yes. My son Tommy was 6-0 going into the final round 7 at the National Elementary Championship earlier this year in Denver, Colorado. His opponent played very well and Tommy kept on trying. In a Rook and Pawn endgame where he was perhaps very slightly better, Tommy blundered and lost. Tommy was devastated but he congratulated his opponent and accepted his defeat like a man and he made a promise to himself to improve on his endgame play. I was more proud of him for that loss than his many other wins. He gave it everything he had and his opponent was better on that day.
So the answer is YES.
Even though it was a very painful loss, because I applauded and supported his fighting spirit, Tommy is not afraid to continue giving his best in future games. It is very important to start young players on the right path now.
I think this is really important. It has a good effect on a person all of his life. However, I feel very few children are given this proper opportunity because the parents really dont know what to do.
It is just wonderful to see you helping so many parents to really understand how to raise their children to be successful.
This is particularly true early in life. As a tennis player, I saw many parents and kids obsessed with winning that they adopted strokes and styles of play which yielded results immediately but actually hurt them in the long run. Like most games between beginning players, most tennis points are lost and not won. So an ideal junior strategy when young is to keep the ball in play down the middle and basically let your opponent lose the point rather than trying to win the point. This works well for a time, but as one progresses the opposition becomes more skillful and at some point, to win point requires actual planning, shot making and trying to actively win.
Hi Susan,
I totally agree with you. I always tell my son to play to the end and never offer draws. That can come much later. He has been very mature for his 8 years in accepting defeats. Ability to pick up from a loss and carry on is a very valuable lesson in life, and probably most valuable if you ask me. So it is not just about chess, but about life itself. Losing teaches children about the value of perseverance and that’s the key to success.
Regards,
Ravi Kulkarni
Susan … you seem like a great mom. Your kids are very lucky.
A little added philosophy and psychology:
It is extremely nobel what Susan is trying to teach her children, but let’s face it, in a way it is against human nature. Why are people play chess? To win. To defeat the other chess player. To demonstrate and prove he/she is a better player.
Otherwise chess would make no sense.
In order to take chess seriously, one must have an emotional “force” present to win, and if it is present, it is almost unavoidable not to have negative emotions present if one loses. Otherwise one wouldn’t care to win either. An intelligent and cultured person would not express the negative emotions, but if it wouldn’t be present, nor would the positive force making one care to win. I understand that this is tricky, but it is a real issue.
Gabor
Bravo! You are “right on the money” here!
Gabor has a point, but I believe that Susan is also correct. Sure it feels good to win – and winning is and should be the goal of every chess game. But playing well – to the best of your ability – is ALSO a goal. And EVERYONE will lose sooner or later. And so the question is – how is one to go forward with a good spirit without suffering from the taint of arrogance or defeatism?
I believe that the answer is as Susan says, which is not at all contradictory to what Gabor is also saying. On the surface, it SEEMS to be contradictory. But on a deeper level, it is not at all.
Dr. O
this are very good for your kids,
chess or another hobby that are nevermind, but kids like too be funny! that the point!
Knightonranden
Susan,
Little League should hire you to lecture parents. You’re right: we need to learn not only how to play hard, but to handle both victory and defeat in a mature manner. Too many parents in kids’ sports forget that.
It should also be said that some losses have a very high instructive value. In particular, long, hard-fought games against higher rated players. All that time spent calculating and visualizing goes a long way to making them a better player. These types of game are great for analysis by their coach as well.
Sure, it would be even better if they won, but these types of losses are pure gold in my opinion.
I don’t know – I always used to cry as a child when I lost a game. They’d say to me it was just a game. I’d cry anyway. I couldn’t help myself.
I remember my first rated USCF tournament. I used to play at lunch time at work, so this was the big times. It was a weekend swiss with 5 rounds. I lost the first 4 rounds. In the 5th I really tried so much harder. I played against a person who had lost his first 4 games also. I won that game. felt a bit sorry for the guy who lost all 5. But I went home feeling good about winning a real tournament game against the “professional” tournament players. They seemed bigger than life. But I somehow earned my way into being a chess player with that win.
I kind of disagree with Gabor. I never like to see my opponent lose. I just like to play my best game. I like the way the pieces sometimes just seem to fall together correctly. Some times the pieces simply move musically and magically and sometimes the flow of pieces seems so beautiful.
There is no question, having an emotional attachment to the outcome motivates one. But it could easily backfire. If the attachment is extreme, then every defeat could be devastating. This is not just about chess, even something as mundane as dating. Every rejection could introduce insurmountable barrier to further courting and thus a lonely life. So, while emotions do play an important role, it is important to keep them in check.
Ravi
Bravissimo! Your advice is not only great for kids but also for us adults! You should play chess as Fischer did, to win everygame and give it your best! If you lose, as Capablanca said, he learned more from his one loss than his many wins.
“is extremely nobel what Susan is trying to teach her children, but let’s face it, in a way it is against human nature. Why are people play chess? To win. To defeat the other chess player. To demonstrate and prove he/she is a better player.
Otherwise chess would make no sense.”
I recently had a draw against a world champion in a Simul. He was my hero when I was growing up ( age not said here since I am too old to remember it!). I treasure that draw more than any win I might ever have fought and died for. There is something more than winning or losing. A mutual love for the game.
Believe me, I am a real fighter…and cuss like hell when I loose, and would call you a couple of names along the way in a good game of blitz…but playing with GUMPTION (as Rowson says) and against a good opponent is respectully enough.
Play the board…you can’t win unless your opponent lets you. Hopefully, you both will play a good game with some mistakes along the way…
By the way, that’s a great picture.
i dont know if tommys 6-1 after a more or less equal rook endgame is what id call “devastating”.
devastating was when i threw the board away in disgust after three hours of play against my dad with the score somewhere around 23-0.
he NEVER let me score as much as a draw. never. then he would laugh about his wonderful combinations that send an 8year old boy to tears.
THAT was crushing. and if it is crushing, its no good to you even if you tried your best.
btw, why dont i enjoy beating my dad anymore? because it comes too easy? sure wasnt difficult for him to beat an 8 year old, either…
I cannot agree more with your philosophy. To me, the whole point of this is not winning and losing, but to learn.
I am SOOOO tired of kids playing out hopelessly lost games. I’m up a queen and a rook, and yet they play on. Then their coach rushes up to tell them “good game”. Prolonging those lost games really just promotes procrastination, and denial.