What is Life Without E-mail?
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.”
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the Microsoft manager replies, “Well then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.”
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lbs. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.
Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What! You don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if only you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!”
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”
Susan, you can do better than this silliness.
prdd
Cool Susan!!
This is hillarious!
Funniest thing I’ve heard in a while.
My wife and I both got a laugh out of this one. prdd’s tighty-whities are just that.
Funny! Funny! Funny!
I dont think this is funny at all. I think it is a true story.
it certainly sounds like real life.
That reminds me of the joke about the three car-poolers, a Scientist, an Engineer, and a Microsoft Windows Programmer who were in their daily carpool one day, when…suddenly…
Their car’s engine stopped!
After pulling to the side of the road and parking their vehicle safely, the Scientist quickly exclaimed, “I shall examine the electrical and fuel path to the engine, for where there is no fuel and no ignition there can be neither combustion nor power!”
Likewise, the Engineer chipped in, “I shall ensure that their is no damage to the motor’s working components, and determine if any of these have failed!
To which the Microsoft Windows Programmer announced:
“Why don’t we close all of the Windows, jump out…then jump back in, open all the Windows, and try to start again?”
Clinton, Gore and Gates go to Heaven
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in Heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
“Al, what do you believe in?”
Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”
God thinks for a second and says “Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.”
God then addresses Bill Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”
Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.”
God thinks for a few seconds and says, “Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”
God then address Bill Gates. “Bill Gates, what do you believe?”
Bill Gates said, “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.”
The Frog
A young Bill Gates was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
Bill bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” Bill took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ‘anything’ you want.”
Again Bill took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked,
“What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do ‘anything’ you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
Bill said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is way cool.”
New Windoze Messages
The following are new messages that are under consideration for the planned Windoze 2007:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
10) This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
11) To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
22) Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?
24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word:
“Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?”
25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
If Microsoft were an Auto maker…
23. Trucking companies would be forced to skip their solid Mack trucks, and instead use huge fleets of fancy sports cars with small trailers. These would break down ever so often, but not all of them at once. The maintenance costs would be high, but mechanics have to live too.
22. If another car manufacturer designed a car that would do 100 MpG on non-polluting fuel, seat 4 with ample luggage space, need a service every 5 years, and be made of non-corrosive recyclable material, Microsoft Cars would buy it and close it immediately after.
20. The radio would be computerized, but you’d need to install 512 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:radiotalkrush*.* to get it to play.
19. The entire engine wouldn’t be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.
18. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 30.
17. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
16. Your car would refuse to start with a message “Abort, Retry, Fail?”
15. For some reason the engine controller would need a 100G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.
14. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you’d need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for “Brake”.
13. A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until after that year- instead of before it.
12. They wouldn’t build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an “Engium Pro” with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
11. The air bag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘General Car Fault’ warning light.
6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT — but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
3a. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you’d have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this, too.
2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, even skipping their old reliable cars with many future miles in them. Forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years, and sometimes exists as standard in the cars they just scrapped.
Microsoft and Psychiatry
A fellow Australian psychiatrist, Dr Michael Block, has recently described a new psychiatric disorder, Microsoft Shared Delusional Disorder, which is now pandemic.
He presents the diagnostic criteria in a thought-provoking at article.
http://www.geocities.com/HotSprings/2265/newdisorders.html
Stop all these silly jokes, guys!
Better worry about the fact I still did not receive my price for the best chess joke.
Would it be possible Susan forgot all about?
No, impossible.
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks a Microsoft employee. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket says one perplexed Microsoft employee.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Apple engineer.
When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please…”
A pilot is flying a small single engine charter plane with a couple of VIP’s on board. He’s coming into Seattle in thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments fail, so he circles around looking for a landmark.
After an hour or so he starts running low on fuel and the passengers are getting pretty nervous. Then, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.
The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to they guy, “Hey, where am I?”. To this the solitary office worker replies “You’re in a plane”.
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 157 degree West by Southwest turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine — the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed, and one asks how he did it. “Simple,” replies the pilot. “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but totally useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office in Redmond, and from there the Boeing Field airport is exactly 5.1 miles @ 157 degrees West by SW away.”