Artwork by the talented Mike Magnan
Know tons of funny jokes? What about chess jokes? It’s Monday Humor Day! Feel free to display your sense of humor. Just keep it clean please 🙂
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“Life is too short for chess.”
— Henry J. Byron
“Of chess it has been said that life is not long enough for it– but that is the fault of life, not chess.”
— William Napier
Ok, not hilarious, but it made me smile.
“So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov – Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!”
Q. What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker?
A. A chess player moves every now and then.
Q. Why can’t Episcopailians play Chess?
A. They don’t know the difference between a Bishop and a Queen…
Q. Which chess piece is the most powerful?
A. The Knight, It goes over the top.
In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say: “What a clever dog!” But the man protests: “No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading by three games to one!”
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
BERKELEY, CA – The Berkeley Board of Education voted last night to ban the game of Chess from all of its elementary, junior high and high schools. The board claims that Chess has a negative influence on students because of the backwards and outdated thinking that was responsible for creating the game.
One board member, Claudia Starsniffer, compiled a list of seven grievances against Chess. Starsniffer’s list claims,
Chess is irrelevant to our society because it was created by dead white guys.
Chess encourages racism by having a ‘war’ between a white army and a black army.
Chess reinforces current racist tendencies in our society by always having the white army move first.
Chess glorifies war.
Chess oppressively reinforces heterosexual stereotypes. It does this by forcing each army to have a king and a queen and by not allowing the game to be played with either two kings or two queens.
Chess is guilty of breaking the separation of church and state by allowing a bishop to be a belligerent in war.
Chess destroys self-esteem. When children play the game, one always loses. Losing causes a child to feel dumb and inadequate.
Said Starsniffer, “There is no place in our society for a monstrous game like Chess. Chess is dangerous. Chess is destructive. Chess teaches racial and sexual oppression. Chess has got to go!
A famous chess player (I think it was Spassky, but I’m not sure) had the reputation of behing a playboy and having been with many women. Asked if he prefered chess or sex, he replied: “It depends on the position”.
There are’nt so many jokes about
the game of Chess as for example
the silly game of Golf.
Maybe that is because chess players
tend to be more thougtful in their games and stories thereby having
a tendency of putting funny stuff
in anecdotes.
I know a lot of funny anecdotes,
especially about Baron Ignaz von Kolisch. I will not tell anything
of them right now, because it would
be much funnier if Susan could tell us about him in the Magyar language.
PS
OK – I’ll give you a short 2-liner:
Hatvan év alatt csak egy sakkozót láttam, aki a sakkból pénzt tudott kihozni, és azt meg is tartotta.
Ez Kolisch volt.
did you hear the one about.Dr Lenny.. Vohaul..fide..
world title..kramick..topalov..chessbase..putin..
kirsan…oh and all those anons..hahahaha….hahaha..
hahaha…hahahaha..ohhh..hahaha..hahaha.hahahaha
1972, in a gulag, people follow the Spassky-Fischer match through the radio, but one day a guard breaks the radio. So when a new prisoner comes in, they ask him : “What happened in the world championship?” –
“I lost”, answers the new prisoner.
Zukertort used to tell this one over 100 years ago.
I once asked Adolf Anderssen about his view of Kolisch and Steinitz, and got a typical anderssen-answer.
– Kolisch is like a tiger going for your trouth,
while Steinitz is like a pickpocket
going for a pawn – and he keeps it.
Maybe this is still funny.
From an online chess forum:
“I read in a very stupid book, that if you take one piece and suddenly realised you want to move another one, just use it as a spoon, looking like distracted, to stir your coffee and put in back on the board. No one will believe this was intentional!”
Q: Where do you buy your chess supplies?
A: at a pawn shop.
“feminists are the best chess players because they always start with 2 Queens.”
I liked the one from Professeur Y….about Boris Spassky and Sex..it was hilarious
Not a joke as such, but at my school chess club, quite a weird guy once said, right in the middle of a silent game “Once you get down to it, chess is all about castration, really.”
He didn’t get another game…
Is that story from berkeley actully real? If so, can anyone post any more stuff about it?
thanks and I see alot of funny stuff around – Spassky rules! 😉
“So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov – Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt!”
: )
I guess you would move the pepper next.
Another Spassky story/quote is that when he divorced his first wife (out of three) he declared that their relationship was “like Bishops of opposite colors.”
-mm
A couple of David Norwood stories:
First, a quote: “I might not be faithful with my women, but I’m always faithful with my openings.”
The second, involves the Polgar sisters: Norwood brought each of them flowers before a match. They returned the favor by crushing him over the board. Then they gave him a present, a computer printout of Norwood’s games they had used to prepare for the match. It was signed “Love from the Polgars.”
Susan, is this apocrophal or is there any truth in it? I hope it’s true–it’s a good one!
-mm
Yes, it is true 🙂
Best wishes,
Susan Polgar
http://www.PolgarChess.com
there was a recent article about the Britney Spears, Kevin Federline divorce. The article spoke about the fact that there was a 4 hour video tape filmed during their honeymoon “activities”. The article mentioned that they were busy with their “activities” as well as playing chess.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline playing (and filming themselves) playing chess during their honeymoon! Now that is funny!!
I once meet an old farmer from outside the village of Vilhelmina
in northen Sweden. His native friends told me that he had never lost a single game at home. That was because he had a big electric switch hidden under his table. And when
getting in trouble he simply turned the switch and shouted in a manner you would not expect from him:
“HELL NO! – there my light goes again”, and the whole area went black. While fumbeling in the dark, swearing a bit more, turning all pieces to the floor at last he politly asked you to follow him out in the cold dark night to light a candle for his cows.
After finding the only candle that was left in his household and then finding the wineling snowy way to the cows barn and then finall getting back to the electrified table, several hours may have passed. But it was always so that in the same moment as sitting down at the table, suddenly the ligts went on again. All seemed well again, but there was never a single chance of restoring the position from memory. Even agreeing on wich pieces should be move from the floor to the board could also take hours.
This trick of his always worked great the first time, but never worked three times in a row for
this swedish cowboys friends told me.
PS
His powerline sometimes went of and on. But this was not because all the milking machines, but because some people up his line was into building powerful illegal radio transmitters able to reach all friens in sibiria despite the Ural mountains and all other obstacles like the swedish police and military who had little sucess in confiscating all their well hidden euqipment. Nowadays it is quite different thanks to the internet. Only the chinese authorities have any sucess trying to hinder global communication between friends. I very well know that Busch with his CIA collects (but are unable to analyse)
everything that I write on the net in order to use it against me when they reach Global full Sectrum Dominance. I know tat this will never happen, but to be on the safe side I only write on blogs and forums when I am so drunk that I can even forget to come from the subject and cunfuse myself. I’ll leave the proofreading of this to KGB, if they still exists.
The former Philippine President “Manong Ferdie Marcos” was GM Eugene Torre’s nuptial/wedding sponsor when he married the beautiful Marilyn in the 70’s. At some point in time, the Filipinos were sufferring a lot from poverty and they were in all sorts of chaos. His Excellency asked the Grandmaster for an advice on how he could hold on to his Position – and Eugene answered that Mr. Marcos must sacrifice the Queen, Imelding! He didn’t – so he was mated and his reign ended a few years later.
Chess player(CP) is touching the bunch of flowers asking the (S)seller:
-(CP)How much is this bunch?
– (S)$100
– (CP) Adjust…
One night at the local chess club one of the members shows up very sad and depressed. The tournament director goes up to him and asks him if he is OK. The chess player tells him, “My wife said I have to quit chess or she is going to be leaving me.” The tournament director said, “This is terrible!”. The sad chess player said, “Yep, I’m sure gonna miss her.”
I read a funny story about the late GM Ratmir Kholmov. It appeared in Suba’s “The Hedgehog System” book, and I picked it up from a John Watson TWIC book review:
“Speaking of Ratmir Kholmov’s tendency to ‘get altogether drunk’ with greatly reduced chess powers, Suba talks about ‘a long list of stories and jokes arising from his habit’, relating one passed on to him by Karpov: ‘The game starts 1.e4 Nc6 2.f4 b6 3.Nf3 e5 4.fxe5. At this point Ratmir plunges into deep thought, while whispering “I’ve played the Grunfeld all my life and never got into such a bad position! “‘”
How many chess players does it take to change a lightbulb? none. chess players complain in the dark.
man im horrible.
I really enjoyed the one about Spassky-Fischer and the gulag. The one about playing the ‘grunfeld defense’ drunk was hilarious when I visualised the moves.
Here’s one I heard from someone I played against on the internet:
How many squares are there on a chessboard?
66! 32 Black, 32 White and 2 squares playing.
My favourite chess joke takes place in the early 20th century:
A chessplayer is working on a remote research base in the Antartic. To pass time he plays a postal game with a friend of his. Only problem is that the mail only arrives on dogsleigh once a year. He spends the long winter nights analyzing every possible continuation, and as the time for the annual mail delivery approaches, he work himself into a frenzy. When the mail finally arrives he rushes out, tears open the envelope and reads: “J’adoube”
🙂
Quote–can’t remember who:
“To play good chess is the sign of a gentleman; to play great chess is the sign of a wasted life.”
(I roll this out whenever I lose…!!)
йцщ
chess is very sweet…the king is mostly stationary while the queen moves up and down!!!
hey got this story on chessgames.com , i found it rather cool (though its the funniest )
The great Adolf Anderssen is returning home to Breslau one night and unfortunately misses a vital train connection. Finding himself stuck for the rest of the evening in a strange town, he seeks out the local chess club. Anderssen notices that the club champion is a thoroughly obnoxious bighead who is full of his own importance and so decides to teach the fellow a lesson in humility. Unrecognised, he offers the club champion a game at Queen odds and soundly beats him. The defeated man, amazed and embarrassed beyond measure, blurts out “I am the strongest player in the district and have never met anyone who could give me odds, let alone a Queen. What is your name?” “Anderssen” came the answer. “Ah so, the great Anderssen, no wonder you can give me a Queen!” “No” replied Anderssen, “I am not that Anderssen, but I know of him. A friend of mine who gives me a Queen is a friend of his and Anderssen gives him a Queen!!”
Humour is an element that adds spice to life and without which may be life would have been very difficult to spend. But contrary to what many people believe, http://www.besthealthmed.com/humour.html humour is not all about smiling and laughing, though it caters to these fields mainly. Humour is actually the capability to see the lighter side of life, sometimes even in a serious environment. But this lighter view of life should be done intelligently. Slapstick humour is no humour at all, it is just trash.