One of the hardest things in chess for parents and coaches is to see their children lose. But losing as well as winning is a part of the game. It is up to the parents and coaches to teach their children the right value.
As most people know, my motto is “Win with grace! Lose with dignity!” This is one of the most important things I can teach my own children.
When they win, they need to be humble and gracious. They cannot taunt their opponents or behave arrogantly.
When they lose, they need to take it like champions and congratulate their opponents. Then they should go back home to work harder on their games for better results next time.
They need to learn the importance of diligence. They need to learn the value of hard work. They need to learn about sportsmanship. These wonderful qualities will rub off on them for the rest of their lives.
It is bad when parents and coaches are too preoccupied with winning and they are willing to teach their children the concept of winning at any cost.
My son Tommy lost a very painful game this past weekend. He was 6-0 and had a winning position in the last round for a share of the national championship. He blundered in a difficult endgame and lost. That resulted in a tie for third place instead of first place.
Even though it was very painful for him to lose the way he did (probably the most painful loss in his young chess career), he smiled and congratulated his opponent. He also congratulated his friend Christopher Wu on another national title.
I am more proud of the way he handled himself than all the successes he has had so far. He truly won with grace and lost with dignity.
Bravo Tommy, and have fun!
This is an excellent lesson for children!
My daughter and I had the pleasure of talking to Tommy in Denver. What a lovely little boy! I am in complete agreement about the importance of learning about the importance of diligence and hard work. I think it is one of the great things about chess for children. Even those who have a natural gift for chess must work very hard. That is why it is a great game for bright children who often are not challenged by the first few years of school. Chess is always challenging. Also, as I always tell my daughter after a tough loss, everyone — even the greatest Grandmasters — loses at chess at one time or another. Another important life lesson!
Did Leo behave badly? If so, I apologize on his behalf and I will have him contact Tommy personally by email and/or telephone to apologize to both you and to your son… I didn’t see any bad behavior of any sort… Leo doesn’t talk much, he’s just five years old, and honestly he was so nervous about playing your son that he looked like he was going to throw up before the match… Tommy was great – I know that Leo would have cried to lose in the final rounds… I have a great picture of Leo and Tommy together at the awards ceremony. If you email me directly I’ll send it to you. They looked like they were having fun together…
From Leo Kamgar’s mother…
Dear Moira,
No, Leo was good. He played extremely well against Tommy. Tommy defended throughout most of the game. In the endgame, Leo misplayed and actually went from a better to losing position.
Tommy was not able to take advantage of it and the game was headed to a draw until Tommy blundered. Both boys fought very hard and behave very well! I am very proud of both of them!
Best wishes,
Susan Polgar
http://www.PolgarChess.com
http://www.SusanPolgar.com
I have a question about this. How do you force yourself to not smile when your opponent resigns? I dont mean to be rude or anything, I just cant help smiling so I put my hand over my face how Karpov does when he is thinking. (although my game is not like his). How do you deal with this?
Dear Susan – Thank God! For a minute there, I was worried that he had done something or said something to offend either you or your son. Leo simply worships you, and I would have been surprised if he had behaved poorly – in fact, I would have been shocked if he had said anything at all (he doesn’t talk much).
I don’t play chess, but I know children. At this age, all kids make mistakes (including kids who like your son are phenomenal chess players). According to Takashi Iwamoto, Leo’s coach, Leo also made a number of errors that could have at any point in the game resulted in a win for Tommy.
I’m so very sorry that there is always a winner and a loser. This is my least favorite aspect of this game. Maybe we can get the kids together to play again under non-tournament conditions. Let me know if you’ll be in Southern California, and I’ll let you know the next major tournament that we’ll be attending. Contact me at moira@kamgar.com…
Thanks for the clarification. Now I can sleep well.
Moira Kamgar
Dear Moira,
You and Leo’s coach can be proud of Leo. He is a special boy. At this age, kids make plenty of mistakes. But Leo is a fighter on the board and he proved it.
To be honest, this loss is a wonderful thing for Tommy. He learned a lot more from this loss than a win.
Thanks for the invitation. I am sure Tommy and Leo will see each many more times in the future. Keep up the good work with your son!
Best wishes,
Susan Polgar
http://www.PolgarChess.com
http://www.SusanPolgar.com
classplayer,
You can yell, you can scream, you can jump for joy if you wish. But not in front of your opponent. Imagine how you would feel if your opponent does that to you after you lose.
I believe in sportsmanship and both Leo and Tommy behave extremely well.
Best wishes,
Susan Polgar
http://www.PolgarChess.com
http://www.SusanPolgar.com
Susan from that photo I can tell you are a great mom! Also the fact that you’ve been there and know how it feels in competition to lose had to benefit Tommy.
P.S. Tommy good job! You will learn from this loss and get better ; )
TFK
Who’s Takashi Iwamoto?
Chess is a game that requires great concentration and I don’t think that when someone plays chess he can feel bored even for a second. So, chess is an insurance against boredom.
Its great that you are teaching your son these values, and not just chess. It is extremely important to behave gracefully after losing as well as winning…in anything…my parents had taught me this, for instance. Unfortunately, some parents don’t.
Five year old’s have coaches? Ambitious, isn’t it? Good for you!
Children spoil some of these values when in school, interacting with teachers and other children who do not know of these values. This is an obstacle that has to be dealt with accordingly.
I wish I could play as well as Tommy!